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Topaz [Excerpt]

08 Dec

It was a dark and rainy night in West London. The rain pattered down in an uneven pattern, splashing against the hard pavement and spraying up onto the shoes and trousers of those who walked past. “Drat.” a man muttered to himself, as his expensive designer trousers started to get speckled with mud flecks.

He was a well-built man, with dark black hair and an oriental complexion. His body was of a muscular build, although fat was beginning to creep up on the muscles as he aged. He was dressed in a dark combat jacket and smart designer trousers. On the lapel of his jacket was a nametag, titling him “Topaz”. It was unlikely that was his real name. Confidently, he sauntered down the street for a short while, trying to avoid any unnecessary attention. Numerous people spilled out of the many clubs and pubs in the area, but he did not pay any attention to any of them.

He slowed his pace as he approached where he seemed to be wanting to go, pulling a baseball cap out of his bag over his head, despite the fact that it did not fit in among his designer shirt and trousers. As he walked onwards, a drunk stumbled up to him, asking for money to buy another drink. Topaz ignored him, but the drunk continued to want his attention. Topaz leaned over and squeezed the back of the drunk’s ear, and the drunk collapsed forwards into the gutter. Topaz continued, but that brief altercation had slowed him down and drawn attention to himself. He looked up and his eyes met those of a tall blond man who was just leaving the club. There was a brief flicker of recognition, and the blond man ran out into the night.

Kicking himself inwardly for such a stupid mistake, Topaz followed after a brief pause. He stripped down out of his designer trousers into combat gear he had been wearing underneath, and started to chase the blond man through the streets.

Making sure he kept his eye on the man, Topaz chased after him, hurriedly eating up the ground on the pavements in an attempt to make sure that the man did not get too far away. The man did not look behind him, but he was obviously aware that he was being chased. He turned and ran down a number of side streets in an attempt to lose Topaz, but he always kept a clear direction about his path, which unnerved Topaz – the man kept on heading east and north, and Topaz could not help but worry about what would be lying in wait for him when they got to where the man was aiming to get to.

For a moment, Topaz wondered if he had made a serious error in judgement by jumping into this so soon, but he brushed the thought aside as he thought of the prize which he could get if he succeeded this one time. He sensed it there, waiting for him, just out of reach. But do this, and his life would be complete.

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5 Comments

Posted by on December 8, 2012 in Action

 

5 responses to “Topaz [Excerpt]

  1. Harry :)

    December 8, 2012 at 11:12 am

    why only an except , also i will comment on actual story in next commemnt

     
  2. Harry :)

    December 8, 2012 at 11:21 am

    ok, here are my comments:

    1.two people wearing designer trousers sounds bit weird, just saying, not too sure about that
    2.also, in second paragraph, don’t use “he” twice, but say “his body was of a muscular build”, i only say this because as i read it i thought two “he”s was a bit repetitive, considering you use it a lot later
    3.please don’t change paragraph that often, but I know it is your taste, so you choice to change, however, paragraph rule is change of subject, so possibly join a few paragraphs up. Just like paragraphs which are too long are frustrating, so are paragraphs which are too short?too frequently changed.

    IMPORTANT:3rd to last paragraph does not need to be new paragraph, join to previous one

     
  3. Mike

    December 8, 2012 at 11:39 am

    1. Read it again, the person in the first and second paragraph is the same person (signified by the use of the pronoun “he” at the start of the second)

    2. Will change. Thanks.

    3. i’ll bulk up a couple of paragraphs, i guess it may look better that way. Thanks.

     
  4. Harry :)

    December 8, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    as i said via gmail chat, i misread point 1,

    also, i’m sorry, but looking back, this “topaz” is very frustrating, mainly because of the fact that it is an excerpt, assuming you;ve written more i can;t judge it, but please post the rest on storiola, the writing style’s good tho 🙂

     
    • Mike

      December 8, 2012 at 9:32 pm

      Hmm… It’s not meant to be continued, and I don’t want to continue it. I can give you the general outline of what I guess I wanted to happen, but I’m not continuing it. It’s only an assignment, it’s not a story I want to continue writing.

       

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